lest we forget
by lannistersdebt
Summary: People rarely end up with the first person they date, and Severus Snape is no different.
1. light the night

The night air was unusually chilly, especially for the last day of August. It wasn't enough to warrant a jacket – not for him, at least – but he'd brought his sweatshirt with him anyway. Lily was known for being forgetful and not grabbing hers, even though she almost always made a remark about how she wished she had. Tonight was no different.

He was squatting, leaning back on his heels, when he heard the rustle in the grass that announced her arrival. She was slow tonight, almost apprehensive, probably confused as to why he wasn't standing. Ordinarily he would be by one of the trees, waiting for her with an agenda for their adventure. "Severus? Are you alright?" She rubbed her arms as she crossed them slightly in front of her.

"Fine." Although fine was an answer completely open to interpretation. He didn't like it but it was the easiest response to give, the easiest one to hide behind. Friends for years, friends without secrets, and yet girlfriend and boyfriend with many. "Just fine."

And, as she usually did, she just smiled.

He was quiet too as he stood up and held his sweatshirt out to her. She took it without a word and he watched as she put it on. When she lifted her arms to pull her hair from where it was stuck under the material, a thin line of skin was exposed and his fingers twitched as he resisted the temptation to touch her.

"Thanks." She cleared her throat and looked around them. "Are you sure nothing's wrong? You told me to be here as soon as I could…"

"I said its fine," he snapped. He closed his eyes and took a breath. It was harder every day to not lose his temper. At the end of June, he'd thought it was just hormones and frustration at Lily for being so stubborn about not wanting to '_be too physical_.' By the middle of July, he still thought that. And then she'd turned to him one night in this very spot and had asked if he knew what _it_ was like. They'd tested it out, had been doing so regularly, and he had determined by now that his anger was from another source entirely. "I'm sorry."

The hurt on her face was only visible for a moment before she forced a smile. "Don't be."

For a moment, both were quiet and simply looked at one another, trying to read what they could from their faces. Neither had much luck. Lily was usually an open book, at least to him, but now he couldn't figure out what was going on behind those emerald eyes. He knew she was having about as much luck with him – she usually had to guess at what was bothering him.

"I didn't ask you to come so I could argue with you." He glanced at his watch to check the time. Half past one. "I thought you'd like to do something to celebrate our last night stuck here."

Lily couldn't help the curiosity in her eyes, and knowing he'd catch it, she smiled. "And what would that be?"

"You'll see in just a moment." He knelt down again and picked up a small bundle of something, then pulled something else out of his pocket before holding the bundle toward her. "Here, take a few."

She did, looking at them curiously. They were like small sticks with wrappers covering a good amount of them, each with words printed on labels she couldn't read in the darkness. Realization dawned on her face as Severus flicked on the lighter he'd been pulling out just before. "I used to love these when I was younger!"

"You've told me a time or two." He allowed a small smile as he touched the flame to the end of the sparklers. "And I know there's still a kid inside you somewhere."

"There's one in you, too!" She laughed and took off running as her fireworks started shooting off their small sparks.

Later, after chasing each other for nearly half an hour, they stood facing the river. Lily stood directly in front of her boyfriend, her back against his chest and his hands clasped around her stomach, holding her to him. She set hers over his and wondered – not for the first time – why their relationship couldn't be like this all the time.

* * *

_**a/n:**_

This was written for the "Midnight Challenge" hosted by the ever lovely TheNextFolchart, and is also the first in a three part installment for Elizabeth Blossom's "The Three Loves Challenge".


	2. betray the code

He'd told himself that he was going to stay away from Lily and her group of friends. There was no need to speak to any of them since he was no longer dating her and, to be honest, he had always dreaded being around them anyway. Between their giggling and whispering - not to mention their pointing at every boy they thought was remotely attractive - it was hard to focus on whatever task was at hand.

His plan had proved easy enough until the end of the winter holidays. From the time they broke off their relationship in October to the night before term began, they stuck to separate sides of the library to read and study. When they needed a book from the other person's end, they pretended they weren't there. In double classes, they sat at opposite sides of the classrooms and never made eye contact while walking along the corridors of the castle. Both of them had opted to stay at the school rather than go home for Christmas and despite having meals in closer proximity than usual, they didn't speak.

So he was surprised, that night, to see a shadow fall across his book as somebody stepped front of him. He was even more surprised, upon looking up, to see that it belonged to Lily. Careful to keep his tone cool, he leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. "Did you need something?"

"Yeah, you could say that." She glared at him, clearly unhappy about having to speak to him at all. "Professor Slughorn asked me to pass the message along. He's decided to switch our partners up again."

Snape shrugged slightly. The students were used to Slughorn changing them around, although he left them the same all of last term. "All right."

"He's put Remus with me. You've got Marlene."

"Okay." There was something about the way she said it that made him arch a brow. She sounded jealous. He chanced a glance toward the other side of the library, where Marlene stood waiting for Lily. "You'll still do well with Lupin. And you'll probably be paired with Marlene again soon enough."

"One can hope," she muttered, staring down at her feet. "Anyway, that's all I had to say."

He didn't respond, returning to his book instead. Half an hour later, when he heard the girls leaving, he couldn't stop smirking. He knew the reason that Lily was jealous - whoever was partnered with him would end up getting top marks.

If there was one class she hated being bested in, it was Potions.

* * *

By the first of February, it was hard to hide his satisfaction in Potions. Lily, ever Slughorn's favorite, still couldn't manage to outperform him and blamed it on Lupin. She refused to listen to anyone who stated that it couldn't possibly be his fault, saying instead that he just wasn't trying hard enough. He used to be partners with Snape, after all - surely he picked up on some of his knowledge. But facts are facts - and another one that was becoming increasingly well-known was that Lily and Marlene were out of sorts.

What wasn't known was the exact reason for it.

Snape glanced to his left, checking to see Marlene's progress on the notes Slughorn had asked them to turn in by the end of the period. She was nearly to the end of the parchment, writing furiously. She was frowning and her eyes seemed troubled. He felt his lips lift in a small smile at the sight; she reminded him of himself.

"Having fun over there?" He kept his voice low, hoping that he could talk without catching Lily's attention. She and Lupin had taken to sitting at the table just behind and to the left of he and Marlene, and she'd been throwing him dirty looks every time she looked up.

"Oh, loads." She barely looked up. "Did you finish?"

"As if you have to ask." He nudged his own parchment in her direction. "You?"

"Mhm." She took a piece of parchment from beneath the one she was writing on and pushed it toward him. "Look over it if you want, Merlin knows you've got time before Sluggy actually collects anything."

Brow furrowed, he took it and skimmed over it. She'd hit every point about aging potions that he had, and just as spectacularly. So then what was she actually working on…? He tapped his fingers on the table for a moment, trying to figure it out.

And then he got lucky.

"Papers, everyone, papers!" Slughorn looked around at the students, beaming for no apparent reason, before waving his wand. The assignments flew toward him, landing in a neat pile in his hands. "Once you've cleaned your messes, please head out and do enjoy your weekends!"

The robust professor left quickly, surprising everyone, though they hardly complained. As the rest of the class filed out after him after hurriedly cleaning and packing, Snape kept his eyes on Marlene. She was still writing, so she hardly noticed and when she turned her head to look behind her, he reached over and took the paper.

His eyes raced over the paper, picking out names and words that seemed the most important. By the time he started reading it more thoroughly, he could feel her stare, but he didn't look up until he was finished.

"You…you weren't really supposed to see that," she murmured. She had taken the time he spent reading to stand and stuff everything else in her bag.

"I gathered." He smiled faintly, but she was already looking down at the floor, a light blush turning her cheeks pink. It was that shyness more than the note's contents that prompted him to move; he knew that she wouldn't. Slowly, he stood as well and closed the distance between them. "She's just jealous, you know."

"Of what?" She jerked her head up, surprised to find him so close.

He didn't answer verbally, but leaned forward instead, his eyes flicking between her lips and her eyes. She smelled like peaches, he noticed, just before they made contact. It was awkward for a moment, each of them waiting for the other to move, but then they came to their senses and all he could think was that she felt so _soft_.

She pulled away after a bit, still looking surprised but not at all unhappy. In fact, she was smiling slightly. "I see."


	3. love you truly

His head was pounding, his eyes burning, and his heart hurting.

There was no relief. He stared at the glass in his hand, filled to the rim yet again with firewhiskey. He'd lost count of how many times he had downed it, had stopped caring as soon as he walked through the doors of Spinner's End. It was enough just to feel the flames race down his throat, enough to hope that he would go numb sooner or later.

And it was too much to know that he hadn't been able to save her.

Closing his eyes, he lifted the tumbler to his lips and swallowed until there were no more embers.

He threw it down when it was empty, listened to the crash that came when glass met tile. The crunch of it after it shattered was satisfying beneath his boot, as though it were possible for that to drive away the pain. For a moment he let himself pretend that it were true, and then it was over. Nothing so simple as stepping on glass, shod or not, could do that.

Outside, an owl hooted. It was soft and quiet, and on any other night he might not have noticed it. But tonight was not just any night, and the bird made him think of Malfoy Manor. He'd had an invitation to dinner with Lucius just the other night and had been told, as always, to drop by whenever he wanted. It was an open invitation that had been that way since they'd met; the Malfoy family had appreciated his knowledge and thoughts and never thought him a burden to have around.

Until just now, he'd never been so grateful.

Slipping his wand into his favorite pocket with his right hand, he used his left to grab a handful of floo powder from it's small bowl on top of the mantle. The silvery particles felt cool in his hand until he tossed them into fireplace. The flames seemed to burn hotter for a moment just before they turned green, and then he stopped thinking of anything besides his destination. Stepping among the fire quickly, he tucked his arms in and said, as boldly as he could manage, "Malfoy Manor."

He kept his eyes closed while moving, thinking that if he'd wanted to get sick he would have just apparated. The fireplaces and hearths could keep flying by in however many colors and fashions as they pleased without him having to look at them.

The combination of his feet touching something solid and the sound of a turning page told him he'd arrived. He dusted himself off slightly before stepping out of the fireplace, and only then did he look up. It had been Lucius that he was expecting; to say otherwise would be to lie. But it was not Lucius that he found.

Narcissa sat in one of the large armchairs in the library, a book in her hands. She glanced up as he stepped out of the fireplace, surprise barely showing on that elegant face. If there was anything this witch was used to, the wizard knew, it was seeing visitors at all times of the day. - even if they did usually go to her husband's study. "Evening, Severus."

"Cissa." He gave her a slight bow, more unsteady than usual. "Is Lucius home?"

Her lack of response gave him his answer, and in the seconds of her stare, he felt his cheeks burn slightly. He could only imagine how he must look, how he must sound, even if he was hardly slurring his words (which was quite the feat considering how much firewhiskey he'd had). It was hardly how he wanted to be seen before her, but he could hardly change that now.

Neither spoke, just continued to look at each other, and as the witch seemed to be considering him, he found himself noticing_ just_ how beautiful she was. It wasn't the first time; he'd thought it often over the many years he had known her. Her eyes were a brilliant blue, sometimes kind and soft and other times as hard and cold as a glacier. Her hair, such a light shade, was long and often worn down. Tonight, she'd pulled it back into a loose bun and he'd decided that he most definitely liked it like that better. And her lips…

But she was Lucius', she was off limits. Or was she…?

He couldn't say whether it was the alcohol or if it were true, but he thought that he could see a hint of sadness on her face - and beyond it, longing. The thought of it was enough to prompt him to move, to cross the distance between the fireplace and her chair, his cloak rippling slightly behind him. It was enough to prompt him to hesitate for just a moment as he bent to kiss her, waiting to see if she would do anything to get away. And when she didn't, his mouth took hers captive.

The book fell between them, unnoticed, as the kiss deepened. She tasted like spearmint and he couldn't get enough; until she pushed his chest gently, he forgot that they needed to breathe.

"Narcissa." He ran his fingers down her jaw as he straightened. "I'm-"

"No," she cut him off and glanced around the room quickly. "You're not sorry, Severus. And you're not in the habit of saying things that you don't mean - I don't intend for you to begin doing so."

He nodded in response, wanting to say something - anything - but his brain had nothing at the ready. And in the space of those few seconds, he decided he needed to kiss her again. And again. And again.

They were laying on the floor between the armchair and one of the large shelves before either of them spoke again.

"We should move to another room…"

His mouth froze on her collarbone. "There's nothing wrong with this one."

"We really _should _stop, actually." She eased her hand down to his hip and her lips curved into a smile at his sharp breath.

"You're a cruel witch...but surely not so cruel as that."

She laughed. "I'm much too selfish to be that cruel."

Minutes later he slid over her, and when her nails found his back and her voice caught as she said his name, he'd never felt more at home.

* * *

His head was pounding when he woke in a bed much more comfortable than his own, soft skin flush against him. For a moment he was confused. And then he groaned. _Good as dead. Lucius will be furious._

Narcissa rolled over and it was clear that she'd been awake for a while. She smiled, let a finger dance down his side. "I was wondering how long you'd sleep. I've been checking on Draco; he's down for a nap now."

"Already?"

She laughed. "It's nearly afternoon."

He put a hand over his face, moved it when he felt the bed shift. It was the witch's turn to lead their dance, he gathered, as she was easing herself over him, and it was all he could do to stay still.

Afterwards, they stayed on the bed. Snape stared at the ceiling, his headache still bothering him. Narcissa was silent for a few minutes, enjoying the silence. It was a pleasant change to be quiet without being angry.

"I do so hope you weren't planning to do this with Lucius, when you found me," Narcissa said pleasantly.

He snorted. "Hardly." _I leave that up to Barty. _

"Ah - what was it you wished to speak with him about, then, if I may ask? You were rather - unlike yourself."

"I... " His jawline tightened. "Do you remember Marlene McKinnon?"

She nodded and then remembered he couldn't see that. "Friend of Potter's and Evan's both."

"She was murdered last night." _Just a week after I told her I was working for the Order. _

Silence. And then: "Ah…"

The change in her tone didn't go unnoticed, but he pretended to ignore it. "I take it things are...rocky between you two."

"At best."

* * *

The letter from her was warm in his hands, as though she'd been standing out in the sunlight when she wrote it and he received it right away. If only that were the case.

He set the parchment on his desk and ran a tired hand over a tired face. This war was going to be the end of him, between balancing the Dark Lord, protecting students to the best of his abilities, trying to see Narcissa, listening to Albus, and trying to help Potter. If he knew it was going to be this difficult, he never would have agreed to this.

Sometimes he wished he never had to deal with all of this, and then other times the witch made everything better.

"_I hope to be able to leave tomorrow, and if not then, then perhaps the night after that. Lucius pays me no mind anymore and I doubt would even care if I never came back again. I wish I could stay in the castle with you, and I know that you wish I could too. You'd never get any work done, though, and while I wouldn't mind, I know you would. Keep an eye out for me. Love you as much as ever. - N."_

The corner of his mouth twitched. He loved Lily. He loved Marlene. But he'd never loved either of them in the same way that he loved this witch.


End file.
